


Color Blind

by glorious_abyss



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Christmas, Diary/Journal, Family, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Gen, IceSey, Iceland/Seychelles, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-20
Updated: 2019-05-20
Packaged: 2020-03-08 16:22:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18898288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glorious_abyss/pseuds/glorious_abyss
Summary: In search of the perfect Christmas gift for his brother, Norway ends up reading Iceland's diary. He's quickly sucked into Iceland's world-one he didn't know existed-and begins to learn about the teenager who insists on keeping his distance from his family. TW for mentions of depression, self-harm (not described) and existential thoughts. Cross-posted.





	1. Discovery

Norway was never good with gift giving. From his many years of being alive, he had trouble finding presents to give his family that they wouldn't already own. Everyone had cabinets filled with cooking utensils, gift cards were too easy, clothes quickly became out of season. The months of careful observation paid off once he managed to discover small details and remarks from the other Nordics, which he used to eventually find appropriate gifts for Christmas.

His holiday shopping was almost complete. He had saved the best, and admittedly most nerve-wracking, present hunt for Iceland. It was especially difficult to shop for his younger brother because of his lifestyle. Iceland lived miles away, and took every question as an accusation. Norway couldn't even ask about the weather without his brother giving a stoic, "Fine." He was growing distant by the day, and Norway was on a mission to find a gift that would draw him closer to their family.

It was a week before Christmas. Snow whipped Norway's body as he walked across Iceland's yard. He had called his younger brother to ask if he was in the mood to meet and visit a local shopping center, and for Norway, to watch out for what interested him. The latter informed him that he would be running errands most of the day, but he needed proof that it wasn't a cheap lie. The distance his brother put between them scared Norway at times; he and Denmark made sure the youngest Nordic knew he was appreciated, though it was as if Iceland wanted nothing to do with them.

A hearty knock to the door of the teen's house gave nothing but an echo.  _Maybe he really is_ _out_ , Norway thought to himself before shoving his gloved hands into his pockets. He had a spare key. Iceland gave him one when he was bedridden with a fever a few years beforehand, and unless he really did change his doorknobs like he promised he would, it should have still worked. Norway never needed to use it after he recovered. The man pressed his face against a window to check for any sign of light sneaking through Iceland's closed curtains. Upon not seeing a lamp in use, he pulled the key from his leather satchel and cautiously inserted it into the keyhole. The doorknob made a satisfying _click_ , signaling for the Norwegian to enter.

Ice's home was unusually warm. A light scent of fish wafted through Norway's nostrils. It was one level, a kitchen and living room meeting him upon entrance. The compacted size didn't leave room for visitors, which fit his personality perfectly. Norway closed the door behind him and kicked his shoes on the doormat. He didn't want to ruin the wooden floor with his snow-covered boots, especially because he wasn't supposed to be there. This was the one chance the man had to poke around his brother's home to look for something he might need. The idea hadn't entered his mind until he saw freshly washed dishes shining from a counter, and he chuckled to himself at the vast amount of utensils his brother owned. It was only mid-morning, he had all day.

Because of the intimidating tidiness of the rest of the cottage, he began in Ice's bedroom. From being a teenager once, he understood that his action was on the same level as an invasion. A cool breeze chilled his spine as the door silently opened. Did he imagine it? It occupied his mind as he scanned his brother's bedroom. The tight, square room fit a twin sized bed, a bureau, a desk and rolling chair, and a tall bookcase. Nothing seemed out of place, that was, until Norway's light eyes found a moleskin book making a dent in the comforter of the bed.

The man tip-toed his way to it. He quickly glanced over his shoulder before letting his fingers roam the cover of the journal. This, Norway told himself, held the answer to what his Christmas gift would be. It wouldn't hurt to take a peek at what was written inside, would it? His jacket fell to the floor and he sat beside the book. He opened it to the bookmark placed halfway though the lined collection of pages. It was definitely a diary of sorts. No, it didn't make sense to start at the last entry. With a deep sigh, Norway turned to the beginning and began reading. He was strictly looking for a gift idea, he reminded himself.

_May 11,_

_Brand new journal, eh? Well, not new. Fin gave this to me for my birthday, but I needed to use my last one up before I started this one._

A memory flashed through Norway's mind. That's right, Finland  _did_  give Iceland a moleskin at some point.

_Nothing much happened today. I met with my boss to talk about some issues in the fishing industry . I'm torn over what to think about how much damage we do to the ocean, but how else are we supposed to make money? I picked a few things up at a convenience store for dinner tonight._

Norway shut the journal. He would get him some writing supplies, why hadn't he thought of that beforehand? There was no need to continue reading, he accomplished what he came to do. Yet, Iceland didn't tend to mention the meetings he held with his boss. If anything, he avoided political discussions when the group was together. Curious, the man flipped through the next few pages in the book.

_May 23,_

_Had leftover oats for breakfast. So many people see my country as some kind of aesthetic paradise, maybe I should embrace that more._

He was met with more short entries, all depicting his brother's daily activities. Groceries, meetings, stories from public transportation. The routine filled four pages. Norway caught himself yawning at one point. Was Ice...boring? No, there was no way he could have raised a dull brother. As if he were desperate for validation, he turned the delicate pages until he stumbled upon the longest one he had seen.

_June 1,_

_Kind of pissed, kind of okay, definitely not happy._

_I 'm currently at Den's house. We're all staying over because we had a meeting earlier today, and our flights are tomorrow. I'm glad I get to leave first thing in the morning. Everyone is annoying me! Sweden and Fin left me with Sealand and Ladonia the second I got settled in. Den tried getting me to take shots at dinner, and Nor keeps pointing out the pilling in my sweater. He even started a tally of how many strings he found. If he's really that concerned, he should just buy me more shirts!_

_Then, right after the meeting, Nor confronts me out of nowhere. He claims I don't talk to anyone anymore. I talk to people outside of my family! I don't have to be surrounded by all of them 24/7._

Norway smirked at the sight of a crudely drawn horizontal line across the page. At the far right was a circle, with an arrow pointing to it and a caption saying, " _Out of 10, Nor is an 8.5 on the stress scale._ " He had to admit, it was cute. Did he really bother Iceland that much?

_He really gets on my nerves sometimes. I know he means well, but he's always embarrassing me. They all do, but with my bro its like its his job to breathe down my neck. Why don't any of them understand that I like being alone? No one needs to know my business._

_Note: Buy more lopapeysa._

The Norwegian stopped there. If it wasn't for  _lopapeysa_ , he would never have realized this entry was written in English. He skimmed through the previous pages, admiring Ice's curvy handwriting as he went. Why was he writing in English?

_June 3,_

_I got a message from Hong Kong yesterday. He invited me to a group chat on some app with some other "teenage" nations. I hate being so young, but at least I'm not the only one cursed like this. He had talked before about getting some of us together to maybe hang out, but that was a while ago. I was surprised to find that he actually did it (Our last text exchange was from early May, maybe I don't talk to as many people as I thought I do)._

_We all decided on codenames. Its childish, I know, but I have to admit that its kind of fun. There's Red, Pink, Blue, Purple, Gold, and then me, Green. Its easier to call them all by their screennames , especially because Hong Kong had the bright idea to make it so none of us know who is who. Besides, some of those nation names are long and hard to spell, haha. I just hope I don't slip up in front of the other Nordics; we're keeping it a secret from the other countries. Everyone seems interesting so far. I think I know who each color belongs to, though its had to tell because all of us have weird older brothers. The good news is that my phone is actually blowing up for once! We would meet up soon if it wasn't for all of us being so far away. We've decided to get together and go out for lunch after the next world meeting. I think I'm actually excited?_

Norway reread the entry, and then read it again. Ice had friends? The thought shocked him more than he'd like to admit. He counted off the adolescent nations. There was Latvia, Hong Kong, Taiwan, Liechtenstein, Seychelles, was that it? Was he really talking to all of them? Intrigued, he skipped a few pages (and a couple more stress meters). There were a few more routine entries, and then one for Ice's birthday.

_June 17,_

_I'm crying. I don't know why, but I am. I get like this every year. My birthday wasn't even that bad this time, yet here I am, depressed and sobbing. I hate celebrating with my family; it's like none of them understand that I'm not_  them. _I'm not an adult and I'll never be one! I don't even have cool battle stories to tell. All I have is a puffin and volcanoes and a dumb baby face, while they have...literally everything else. I hate being like this. What did I do to deserve becoming a nation? Is there a refund on this lifestyle?_

Something sunk into Norway's stomach. Six months prior, his brother had cracked open the book he was holding, scratched the pages with a pen and tears, and probably fell asleep crying in the exact spot he was sitting in. Iceland had seemed genuinely appreciative that he and the others had thrown him a party, though now Norway was doubting his memory. His brother had been compliant, but...was it out of anxiety? He himself was known for remaining stoic; was it hereditary?

_Later-_

_I feel a little better now after talking to Blue. I think she's still the only one who knows my color (other than Hong Kong anyways). She seems sweet, and she even offered an ear if I have problems in the future. I'm not planning on accepting it though, haha, I don't want to make a totally random stranger my therapist. On another note, is there therapy for nations? I should ask her about it._

The Norwegian squeezed the bridge of his nose. This couldn't have been his brother's journal. Iceland didn't have friends. If he was feeling down, he would have texted him. He knew his older brother was always there for him. He flipped to the next month.

_July 1,_

_I finally got to meet the group! We went to this quaint little restaurant on the border of Belgium's house. The weather was nice enough for outdoor seating, too. I told Nor I was going out to explore the area, and as far as I know, he fully believed me._

_I didn't think it would be strange to be with other teenagers, but trust me, it was. We spent some time trying to recap the world meeting while we waited on our food. None of us could connect the pieces together. Well, Gold and Purple could, but that's only because they're attentive. Why do I even need to pay attention during those things? I'm an island in the north who minds my business._

_Overall it was one of the best times I've had in a while, years even. There were a lot of laughs, and a lot of cultural exchanges, too. It's nice to also put a name to the face for everyone in the chat. Sharing a decadent chocolate cake with a group of friends (oh my god they're my friends!) gives off this almost magical feeling! I think I was actually glowing after we split up. But you know who else was glowing?_

_Blue. She was so pretty. I mean, I'm guessing she always is. I never noticed her during meetings, but sitting across from her at that café table had me outright admiring her. She has this huge smile and a smooth voice. Is it bad that I'm kind of looking forward to seeing her again more than I am to seeing everyone else?_

What he was doing was a total invasion of privacy. Iceland never mentioned any of this to him or the others. That meant they weren't supposed to know, right? But why? And who _were_  these people? Who did Ice catch feelings for? Why did he have to lie about his whereabouts? What did he look like when he was having a legitimately fantastic time?

He had to stop. Yet, Norway  _had_ to know what happened next. A good fingering of the pages indicated that a good chunk of the diary was still waiting for him. He could just take pictures of the rest and read them at home; that way they could at least be paired with a soothing cup of coffee.

Norway decided on buying him another journal, and maybe a few sweaters, too. There was no need to stay in Ice's room and disrupt his space any further. Holidays were easier in the old days, he thought, and it would be nice if his brother updated his online wishlist, too.

A thunderous knock forced the man out of his skin. The open book remained in his hands, and he turned to face the sound. Iceland stood in the door-frame, coat-covered chest heaving.

"What the  _hell_ are you doing?"

 


	2. Exploration

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: The following chapter contains mentions of death, war, and self harm. Viewer discretion is advised.

They stared at each other for what felt like days. Norway, with the teenager's journal in his hand, and Iceland, visibly shaking and lips trembling. The latter's face painted, what was it, fear? Rage? The elder couldn't tell.

"I-"

"How did you even get in here?"

Norway opened his mouth to answer, only to be cut off by his brother.

"It was that spare key, wasn't it? I knew I should have changed the lock." Iceland's voice cracked as he finished his sentence. The man allowed his younger brother to yank the journal from his hands.

"And what are you doing with this? Is this what you do on your days off, you break into my home and go through my stuff?" He flipped through the pages of his book. Norway noticed how tight the teen's grip was on the cover.

"Calm down, Ice."

"How much of this have you read?" The man had never seen his brother this upset. Was it really that monstrous of an issue? He was ready to excuse it as hormones, as Denmark would have, but something told him otherwise.

"You know what? I don't care!" Iceland threw the book at him. Norway let out a shocked gasp despite catching it cleanly. "Go read the rest of it. That's the lowest you can go, Nor."

He released a distressed sound that reminded his brother of a growl.

"I have groceries to put away." The teenager whipped himself out of the room. Norway concluded he would never have made it as a warrior. Many things seemed to annoy him, but Norway had never witnessed legitimate anger out of him. The man had to admit that he had been scared for a moment. He considered calling out to him, but what could he give as an excuse? ' _I'm sorry for breaking into your bedroom and reading your diary, Ice. How can I make it up to you?_ ' Pathetic.

At the same time, what did  _he_ have to apologize for? Iceland was keeping secrets from  _him_. He had a whole world hidden from his family. Talking to strangers online, having crushes, relentless honesty; there wasn't a single excuse he could give for being so secretive. If he wanted Norway to read the rest of his diary, then dammit he was going to! The older nation skipped to the next month of writing.

_August 10,_

_I visited my brother today. Sure, it was for business on behalf of our bosses, but it was still nice to see him again. We had coffee and pastries. Not much work was actually done about trading, though. I think sometimes I just need to be reminded that maybe he really does care about me as much as he says he does._

_Last night was bad. So bad, I had to wear a sweater again. It was uncomfortable with the heat, but Nor only made it worse. "Why do you always wear long sleeves? Aren't you hot in that?" God, why can't he mind his business? They ended up healing before I got to his house anyways. At least he didn't pester me about it for too long. He'd kill me if he knew._

Norway whispered the last line to himself. His anger cooled and turned into worry. It was no secret that nations healed at a faster rate than humans. Had Iceland gotten hurt? Was his government shaky? He refused to believe his brother could have been harming himself. A sudden crashing noise came from the kitchen; Iceland was still upset.

_August 13,_

_Some of us met at Gold's house. He isn't used to hosting, but it didn't matter much after we started drinking. I don't know how that happened, haha. I just remember him pulling out an almost-empty jug from under his couch and suggesting we finish it. Vodka tastes better with good people, I think (not like I've had it before that). Gold pulled out some weird board game. I don't think any of us were capable of playing it (for me personally it was because I can't read anything outside of English and Icelandic). Gold just had too much and got giggly._

_Blue doesn't drink. She took a sip and gave one of those, 'Do I have to?' looks, so I offered to drink hers for her. I must have already been tipsy. I hope I didn't do anything too embarrassing; I'm sure they would have told me if I did. Needless to say, I won't be drinking for a while. My head hurts._

_Blue also mentioned something about wanting to escape the heat. She asked about my weather, and I suggested she visit my house. Am I stupid? Probably! Sober me would never do that. 'Hey girl who looks cute with her hair clipped back, would you like to come over?' Is that weird?_

Iceland never drank with the Nordics. He would refuse to even serve alcohol, let alone consume it. Norway thought he was just a prude, but drinking with friends? Inviting girls over to his house? Maybe he wasn't as introverted as he lead them to believe.

_August 22,_

_Do bruises heal quickly? I haven't been banged up in a while so I can't remember. I bought a coffee from a barista with a huge hickey on her neck and it got me thinking about...life? I guess? I wonder how different mine would be now if I was like the other Nordics. You know, a fighter. One time I had a playful wrestling match with Fin and he almost crushed me. Nor threw a cup at Den once and he caught it with one hand. I guess there are some upsides to being immortal._

_Sometimes I want to ask them all if they ever get tired of living like this. Sure, if we were regular citizens we would grow old and die, but we're all going to die one day. A meteor could hit us at any time and we'd all die together. Where would I be if that happened? Would I be at home with my puffin? Would I be with my brother? My friends? Or would it hit suddenly while we're all sleeping? To think that some of our coworkers could be behind all of our deaths too...ugh I don't want to think about this right now. Doesn't anybody realize that we're all human too? We're nations first, but we're as fragile as mortals. I tried talking about this with the chat but none of them were understanding what I was saying. It's like they all enjoy their roles. I'm sure my brother and the others have thought about it. How couldn't they? Living with hundreds of years of bloodshed must be tiring._

_August 24,_

_The whole "miraculous healing" thing is helpful. My arms are starting to look a little bumpy, though. I need to pick up a new habit. I kind of wish I had a cooler reason to heal, like a decapitation or something._

A soft  _thud_ came from down the hall. Norway knew his younger brother's cycle of being upset; show annoyance, blow off steam with loud noises, calm down once he's had time to himself. He would come back collected once everything was put away, the elder assured himself.

The man pictured Iceland's scar-covered arms. He hoped his brother wasn't hurting himself because of him, but he was afraid that he had nothing to do with it at the same time. Was that even possible? Norway flipped through more pages. A few one-liners met him; it was nice that his newfound friends were now part of his routine. September was unsatisfactory, leading him to October.

_October 8,_

_I asked Red for advice on asking Blue on a date. He kind of gave me a hard time about it. At first he was all, "I didn't make that group chat for you to date people in it," but then he gave me 'permission' to do it. That guy makes me anxious sometimes, I swear he's possessive over me. His tips were kind of shitty (I'm not going to paint myself as some macho guy just to ask someone out-what would I have to do after, change my identity?). I think I'll just be myself, whatever that is._

_Later-_

_I did it! I asked Blue on a date and she said yes! I was nervous for nothing! I don't think she even noticed how awkward I sounded through the phone. I'm meeting her on Saturday. We haven't decided on a place yet, probably somewhere halfway between us. I wonder if she's as nervous as I am?_

_October 10,_

_Estonia is at the Nordic meeting house for some reason. God he's annoying. Use your own internet, you bowl-cut freak._

The man took a moment to chuckle into his sleeve. The last thing he wanted was for his already upset brother to hear him laughing.

_October 13,_

_Just came back from my date with Blue! She's so ahhhhhhhhhh! We went to this French restaurant tucked away in an alley, in case anyone spotted us. Mainland seafood isn't too bad, but I still prefer mine over anyone else's. Afterwards we took a walk on the beach and talked about our homes. If hers really is anything like France's then I really need to visit. I taught her some Icelandic words, too. Well, tried to; I'll admit it's kind of hard to learn._

_It started raining, so we ran back to my hotel. Unfortunately it was a 5 minute jog and we were drenched after. I invited her inside, but she insisted it was too late (we separated around 22:00, so I get it). She said she was going to stay over a friend's house. I offered to grab a complimentary umbrella to walk her there, but all she did was hug me and leave. She texted me while I was in the shower to say she had a nice time, so I guess that's something. God, now I'm more nervous about the possibility of a second date than I was about having the first one._

Norway took the opportunity to search his phone messages. He went to October 13 and read the text exchange he had with Iceland.

_What are you up to today?_

_Bro: I'm busy. All day._

_I made cranberry bread, you want any?_

_Bro: I'll pick it up tomorrow._

His brother had definitely picked up a loaf of bread he made the next day, but he didn't mention anything about a date, nor did he say he stayed in a hotel the night before. Before he could find a reading or a second meetup, he identified Iceland's figure in the doorframe. His coat had been removed, his fuming expression replaced with a raised brow.

"How far are you now?"

"You know, if you didn't want anyone to read it you wouldn't have written it all in English," Norway rose to his feet and took a step forward.

Iceland threw his shoulders back. Sweden was teaching him too much about asserting dominance. "What, I can't practice my English? I never gave you permission to come in and read it."

The elder gently placed the journal onto the teen's bed before leaning in close to the other's face. The teen shrunk, his eyes glistening as he was forced to look at his brother. "Don't stare at me like that!"

"I'm always here for you."

Iceland backed into the hallway, only for his brother to move with him. Norway never needed to discipline him. He behaved appropriately growing up, and even if help was necessary, he had the other Nordics to back him up. Now, he was thinking of the next step to take for the first time in their lives.

"I'm not mad at you." The Norwegian remained stoic in his approach.

"Why don't you just mind your business?" Iceland pushed himself into the corner behind him. "Can't I have something to myself for once? This is why I don't tell you anything. It's like none of you understand me-"

"Yes we do."

Norway surprised himself with his sudden exclamation. He still kept his gaze on his brother, who in return placed his eyes on his sock-covered feet.

The elder took a moment to compare their faces. Iceland's eyes and mouth were identical, but he lacked the crooked nose Norway had. His face was round and childish, it was true, though a jawline could be seen forming. He was still a kid.

"Ice, I've seen my own guts come out of me. I've been trapped in the snow for days without help. Fighting, bloodshed, constantly being on edge, I've wanted to die too."

The teenager continued staring at the ground. Then, he began to shake. A sound escaped his mouth, and he broke down in tears.

"I'm sorry, I-"

Norway wasn't finished. "I saw Den get decapitated, and I had to keep his head on his body to make sure he didn't die. Do you know why I did that?"

Iceland wiped his nose with his sleeve and met his eyes. It broke his brother's heart to see him cry, but he had to get his point across.

The younger nation rubbed his pink face. "Because we stick together."

It was a common catchphrase the Nordics used. As they grew older and overcame their resentments, they had realized that they were a family unit. Families bonded together through thick and thin. Jealousy, secrets, and envy weren't allowed.

With how distraught Iceland was, Norway wrapped his brother into a hug before he even knew what he was doing. They remained embraced for what felt like hours. Norway only loosened his grip once he heard Iceland's sniffles die down.

The man let go of him and reentered the bedroom. He retrieved the journal and turned to face his brother. An eerie chill still lingered in the air.

"We're going to talk about everything in here." Norway placed the book in the slender hands of the owner. "But first, coffee," he stated, working his way to the kitchen and beckoning the teenager to follow.


	3. Conquest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: The following chapter makes references to self harm and sex. Viewer discretion is advised.

By the time Norway turned to face the kitchen table, two mugs of black coffee in hand, Iceland was still staring at something in the distance. His elbows wobbled on the surface, the journal placed neatly between them.

The brother was remorseful for scaring the teenager. It didn't take much for the island nation to be spooked, and the activities of the day had definitely drained the energy out of him. Iceland wasn't used to confrontation, that was for sure. The man had to remind himself that he was capable of being aggressive and persistent; once a Viking, always a Viking. He set the dishes in the center of the circular table and took a seat across from the occupied chair.

Norway cupped the beverage with both hands and took a generous sip. He gave himself a moment to choose his words, waiting until the teenager reached to grab his own coffee.

"Am I annoying?" It wasn't exactly what the elder wanted to ask. He didn't expect it to come across as a pitiable apology.

Iceland set his cup down, coffee untouched. He chewed his lip and looked away.

"Uh, er, no." Their eyes met once again. The younger quickly grabbed for his drink, as if a result of an afterthought, and took a sip. "You're not annoying. Why would you be?"

"Because I'm always checking up on you," Norway stated, scratching the back of his head. "I just want what's best for you."

The teenaged nation fingered the handle of his cup. A few seconds of silence commenced before he opened his mouth again. "Why are you in my house?"

"I'm the one asking the questions here-"

"Why are you in my house?" Iceland repeated.

Could Norway tell him? Would his brother even believe him?

He inhaled sharply. "To give you your Christmas gift," he lied, taking a large swig of his coffee.

Iceland's eyes widened, however his tone was soft. "Christmas is next week. Aren't we all meeting at Sweden's house for the holidays?"

The Norwegian knew he had him.  _What a child_. He nodded, but he couldn't continue his defense without being cut off.

"If I didn't know any better, you showed up to my house unannounced to snoop around and see what I already own so you don't accidentally give me something I have," The teen continued, now moving his hands to his book. Norway watched his fingers dance around the binding. Quarreling was pointless; there was a more serious matter at hand.

"Watch it, Den."

Iceland made a face in response. Did he always have such an attitude?

"I have Viking intuition. Besides, we're here to talk about  _that_." He gestured to the book. "Now show me your arm."

The island flared his nostrils. His arms made their way under the table, his brows knitting.

"It was only one time-"

"No, it wasn't-"

"I've stopped-"

"No, you haven't." Norway pushed his chair back and readied himself to stand. Iceland followed suit and headed for the front door, keeping his hands behind his back. The teenager's chest heaved as his brother approached him.

"Why don't you believe me? Go ask Fin if you need proof!"

"...Fin?" Norway's frustration was replaced with confusion.

"Yeah uh..." Iceland cautiously moved his arms to his front. He inspected his sleeves before slowly rolling up his left arm. "He caught me doing it back in November. Remember when we all stayed at Denmark's house before the last meeting, and you all thought I was sleeping in?"

The man recalled the incident clearly. His younger brother was an early riser-just like him-and the other Nordics had found it odd that he was still sleeping once eight o'clock struck. Norway suspected he stayed up late doing whatever it was he did at night. Finland, who needed to wake Sealand and Ladonia, offered to check on him while the others prepared for the world meeting. Surprisingly the two boys made it down the stairs before Fin and Ice, but now the reasoning was clear.

"I was feeling this really bad anxiety when I woke up so I just...started doing it. You get creative with what you can find. I checked the clock after and realized it was almost eight and I panicked. That's when Fin barged in and saw what I was doing. He cleaned me up and promised me he wouldn't tell anyone if I stopped permanently."

The teen rubbed his forearm before revealing the skin underneath. "I'm surprised you didn't read about it," he said softly.

Norway wrapped his cool fingertips around the other's wrist. The marks were hardly visible and could almost pass as scratches from his pet puffin. He traced around a few short lines, making Iceland retract. The younger brother rushed his sleeve back down and crossed his arms. Norway mentally recalled a recent conversation he held with the Finnish nation. They had been discussing their plans for the upcoming holiday when Finland mentioned the youngest Nordic.

_"Hey, how's Icey doing?"_

_"He's doing good, I'm sure."_

_"Have you talked to him lately?"_

_"No. You know how he is, being a teenager and everything." The Norwegian had been preparing lunch when the phone rang. He stuck a finger in his mouth to taste the seasoning stuck to it._

_"Oh." Now that he thought about it, Finland allowed a sigh to release before he continued speaking in his usual, jolly tone. "Well, ask him if he needs anything and let me know!"_

_"Am I on the nice list too?"_

_"Har har, you're too funny Nor!"_

_Stupid, stupid, stupid_. Norway could feel something land in his stomach. He searched for something in his brother's eyes. What it was, he wasn't sure, and he wouldn't be able to find it. He was a Viking once; surrounded by gold and pillaging, brawls and sex, he spent most of his adolescence as a warrior. Norway didn't have the chance to fight internal battles when all of his were external. He understood why the other Nordic wouldn't tell him about his brother's self harming habits. Finland had a maternal instinct, and he couldn't do anything except appreciate him for taking care of the wounds presented.

"He kept his promise."

"Yup." Iceland passed the elder and took his seat at the table. Norway did the same.

"Who else knows?"

"No one. Just you two."

"What about your friends?" The man finished his now lukewarm drink. He watched the other's expression transform from defensive to solemn.

"They don't know either. That's not something I really talk about."

"No shit."

A hint of a smile crept onto Iceland's soft face. It disappeared when his gaze met the journal in front of him. "How much of this did you read?"

The nation smirked and leaned on his resting arm. "Enough to know you went on your first ever date."

Iceland was speechless. His mouth gaped as his cheeks became a hot shade of pink. "Yeah uh, yeah I did."

"Ice, why didn't you tell me? That's so cute!"

"No it's not! It's just a date."

"What is she like? Are you still seeing her?"

He nodded and sobered up with a gulp of coffee. The teenager described Blue in great detail. Norway learned that she was a small country like himself. She was tall, she was an island, and she too broke out with acne when a volcano was going to erupt. He even mentioned their second date, where they watched a movie on his couch.

"Did you use protection?"

"Gross. You sound like Denmark."

"But did you?"

"I'm not into that kind of stuff."

"You don't want to contract anything-"

"-I meant sex. I'm not interested in having it anytime soon. God, you stopped reading before it got juicy."

Once Iceland opened up, he surprised his brother by offering to show him pictures of his friends. His phone held an album of their faces, and the Norwegian found himself focusing hard as he recognized each teenager. The Nordic country was pinched into most of the group photos, but he looked like he belonged. He was looking at a group of close friends, and for once it seemed Iceland blended in with others. Iceland was an immortal nation, but he was also sixteen. There wasn't a need to grow up so quickly. How can you act like an adult when you haven't acted your age?

* * *

Orange light began to shine through the kitchen window by the time they finished talking. Conversing about their lives took up most of the afternoon. Iceland's cup of coffee grew cold as he informed his brother about his anonymous life, painting the picture of a teenager who was finally exploring the outside world. The elder mentioned his remark about Estonia being a 'bowl-cut freak', and he was pleased to finally share a laugh with the other country after years of isolation and distance.

"You know, I think I'm feeling better."

"That's good." Norway retrieved his coat from the other's bedroom and took his time buttoning it shut on his body. He turned to the front door and placed a hand on the doorknob.

"Sorry for yelling earlier." The younger sibling collected the mugs from the table and placed them in his empty sink.

"No, I should apologize."

"Don't. I needed it, I think," Iceland stated, meeting him at the entrance. There was a noticeable bounce in his step as he walked towards the country. Norway suddenly didn't feel like opening the door. He wanted to wrap his brother in his arms and hold him like he was a child again. His face held a kind of innocence to it.

"Can I tell you something?"

"What's up?"

 _Ah, teenager talk_. "Being a country is hard. Some days you feel lucky, while other times it feels like the whole world is against you. We're all in the same boat here."

"I'm just an island. I'm not a superpower or even remembered on maps most of the time. Why am I even  _necessary_?" The younger croaked as he finished his words.

Norway reached his other hand out to his brother and grasped his shoulder, shocking both of them.

"Ice, I don't think I could have made it this far without you. Any of us, actually. I'm not saying you have it easy, but a lot of us nations act the way we do because we wanted to create a better world for you and your friends."

Iceland opened his mouth to speak, only to be cut off.

"You have plenty of time to make an impact. Don't stress too much over it, okay?"

"Okay." The younger nation gave him a shy grin. The other removed his hand from his body and pulled his gloves onto his calloused hands. He noticed Iceland's smile and couldn't help but see some of Denmark in his features.

"Wait, where's my gift?"

_Shit, that's right. I told him I brought something, didn't I?_

Norway watched the setting sun shrink from the sky. He turned the doorknob and welcomed the winter air into the house. The coolness from within was replaced with the crisp, chilled air. He swung to face his teenage brother one final time.

"I just gave it to you."


	4. Civilization

"Okay boys, one, two, three!"

The flash from Denmark's camera blinded the group. Pictured on his screen was an image of the five Nordics, all either blinking or making off-putting expressions from the light.

"This is the third time we've tried getting a good picture! Maybe we should give it a rest?" Finland asked, grinning through his teeth. "Or maybe you can turn off the flash?"

Iceland pushed through Norway and the Dane, rising to his feet. "Yeah, and let us stretch our legs."

They must have looked ridiculous outside of the picture as well as in it. Someone-maybe a sarcastic Norway-recommended they all wear ugly Christmas sweaters that year. The family made an attempt at snapping a decent photo from Sweden's living room couch, but an already tipsy Denmark continuously failed to achieve the simple task. Sealand and Ladonia were settled in front of the tree, occupied with constructing a Lego doghouse for Hanatamago, their toy pooch.

"Eh, maybe you're right." Denmark scrambled off the couch. "Let's take a break. Anyone need anything?" he asked, making his way to the open kitchen with too much enthusiasm in his walk. Sweden rolled his eyes; he couldn't control the other man in his own house.

The youngest Nordic blew the rest away when he requested a beer. The Swede and Fin exchanged glances with an equally surprised Norway, who was now playfully tugging at the dog's cheeks on the carpet.

"Are you sure Icey? You could share one with me if you want-"

"I can take my own bottle, thanks." Iceland followed the Dane and yanked a fresh drink from Denmark's hand. He popped the cap off with a bottle opener on the counter and took a swig.

A hush fell across the room. The only sound came from the two boys rustling through their plastic bricks. Norway noticed the teenager bashfully look away, and then they met eyes. Though the youngest wouldn't admit it, his brother recognized his cry for help and he got up from the wooden floor.

"Did Santa bring you a pair of balls?" Denmark smacked his shoulder and let out a hearty laugh, making Iceland cough. "You act like you've done this before. You're lucky there's adults here to keep an eye on you."

The Norwegian signaled for Finland and Sweden to join him in the kitchen. "Hey, you can't have your first beer without us."

He grabbed four bottles from the fridge and handed them out. Once the group had their drinks ready, Denmark released an energetic, " _Skol!_ " and they smashed their bottles together in celebration.

"Ice is finally drinking with us, it's a Christmas miracle!" Finland gave the anxious Iceland a grin. The teenager shyly smiled back.

Norway leaned on a counter and observed the scene in front of him. The Dane and Fin wrapped their arms around his brother's shoulders and discussed alcohol, while Sweden could be heard shuffling Legos as he helped the micronations move them into their playroom. Every sip Iceland took seemed to bring on a sense of confidence, and shade of pink to his cheeks. He had to admit that the coming-of-age celebration happening in front of him felt surreal. No longer would he need to bring special drinks for the youngest Nordic, who initially preferred not drinking with them at all. He cherished the moment, taking a sip every time Iceland did until they were both finished. Though he'd keep Iceland's secret between them, it still felt exclusive to actually watch him drink.

Denmark said something-Norway didn't catch it-and Finland burst into laughter. The first man swaggered in the direction of the playroom, only to be replaced by the most sober Nordic; Sweden.

"Fin."

The country wiped tears from his eyes, the glistening colors widening upon realizing why the nation had entered the kitchen.

"Dinner! Oh no!" In a state of what could only be seen as panic, Finland ushered the brothers into the living room, spewing something about how he needed to finish preparing their holiday meal by himself.

The last thing Norway saw was Sweden closing every cabinet door that the other flung and left open.

* * *

"Don't get into the habit of doing this, okay?" The Norwegian pulled his bottle-cap from his jean pocket and displayed it through two fingers. He knew there had to be a reason for keeping it instead of tossing it into the trash, but it didn't come to him.

He and Iceland decided to hide in Norway's temporary bedroom until it was time to regroup. The faint crashing sound of toys and Denmark shouting, along with Finland barking orders at Sweden, lead both of them to finding common ground in their need for solitude. Though Sweden's house wasn't necessarily large, he made sure the spare bedrooms were a decent size for the other Nordics. The bed they were seated on could easily fit both of them without a complaint.

The teenager smirked and shook his head. "I puked the first time I drank. It was straight vodka, but I still didn't touch anything with an alcohol content for a long time after that."

"I'm serious. Fin's such a lightweight, thank God someone is out there helping him."

A rambunctious holler came from the floor beneath them. "Den only had three drinks and he's already buzzed. Oh God, give him another and he'll eat dinner with his hands."

Norway rested his elbows on his knees, his hands covering his pale face. It was impossible for nations to become alcoholics, but they could certainly develop a strong intake level. He knew there was a fifty-fifty chance of his brother either becoming a belligerent drunk or an over the top, hilarious drunk, and he didn't plan on finding out which one would take over.

Iceland pulled at a loose hair off his sweater, seemingly not phased by what the other concluded. "We should have picked up something for their headaches."

The older brother perked up. "Speaking of..." he muttered. Norway crawled onto the carpeted floor and reached for a package underneath his bed. He felt his knees crack as he rose to his feet.

"This is for you."

The other Nordic let a brow lift from its place. He stood up, glancing at his brother first and then the maroon wrapping paper. With cautious hands, he took the gift and cradled it in his long palms. When Norway gave him the right of way, he slowly started to remove the covering.

"It's a little extra something. I wasn't going to give it to you in front of the others."

In the teenager's hands rested a box of stationary materials. Pens, envelopes, and a stack of decorated papers weighed in his arms.

"I thought it would be a nice halfway between writing in your diary-"

"-It's a journal-"

"-And telling me what's going on to my face."

Iceland's chest rose and fell. To the other's surprise, he inquired about how to go about giving him his letters.

"My mailbox, anytime. You can slip them to me too, when you can." Norway considered leaning in for a hug, but took it back once his brother parted his lips.

"Thank you."

"You're oh so very welcome."

"So you won't sneak into my house anymore?"

The Norwegian affectionately poked the other's cheek. "Shh...you know I wasn't sneaking in."

They remained that way for a few seconds until Iceland grabbed his brother's arm and gently lowered it. Norway broke the ice by asking what his friends were doing for the holiday.

"We had one of those anonymous gift swap things. I had trouble finding a good gift for Taiwan, but I think she liked it. I don't really know her that well..."

"And who had your name?"

Iceland gulped, his cheeks returning to a soft pink color. "Who do you think?"

Norway smirked and gave him an, " _Oh ho ho hoooooo."_

His brother made a mocking sound and crossed his arms. "I swear Hong set it up that way."

A pause. Then, Iceland pulled his phone from his back pocket. Bashfully, he pulled up a picture of a silver chain with a matching anchor pendant attached to the center of it.

"I wanted to get her a Christmas gift outside of the swap. I'm seeing her again after the New Year. Do you think she would like this, or is it dumb?"

Norway couldn't help but allow his heart to flutter. Relationships weren't a foreign concept to him, but witnessing his brother enter the dating world and coming to  _him_ of all people for advice almost threw him into shock. He raved about Seychelles when they were seated in Iceland's home, though bringing it up outside of his cozy cottage made him realize that the love-struck teenager was genuine with his feelings. Maybe he could convince his brother to invite her over for dinner sometime, seeing that he didn't know much about the other island nation.

"If I were a girl and a boy gave that to me, I'd wear it forever."

Iceland's brows furrowed. "Uh, really?"

"It's cute. It's a gift to cherish too, unlike a box of chocolates or something."

For a second it looked as if the teenager was ready to crack into a smile. Instead of giving a reaction however, he simply put his phone away and mumbled something inaudible. A crashing sound came from under their feet, followed by variances in laughter and a familiar Finnish voice shouting for the two boys downstairs to get dressed.

"Hey, why do you and your friends keep your group a secret?"

Iceland looked at his feet, then back at the other nation. With a hint of deviance in his voice, he said, "We're countries. Can you imagine if the world found out we were all talking?"

* * *

"I want to thank you."

Norway observed the Fin as he bounced around in the cold. He himself crossed his arms in hopes to keep warm. None of the five countries were phased by the annual chill, but their human bodies still needed to be taken care of. Hana howled at something in the woods, reminding the man of the amount of times he had been physically frostbitten without realizing it due to his mental awareness of the cold not being present.

He was lucky enough to catch Finland and make him take a break from hosting. At first the nation looked as if he was ready to lose his composure when the man asked him to speak privately, but once he gave the Fin the  _look_ , he made sure Sweden could keep an eye on the food. Iceland volunteered to help Denmark with their nephews, as dinner was close to being ready. They used the dog as an excuse to leave the house without suspicion, heading into the wooded area behind the building.

"Hmm?" Finland turned to face the taller nation, following his lead and shoving his hands into each of his sleeves.

"Ice told me about, uh, what happened."

"Hmm?"

Norway sighed and reconsidered his approach to the other. He knew they would remain standing outside for the rest of the afternoon if he continued to avoid being blunt. He also couldn't help but imagine how many more sips the man took of the alcohol in the fridge.

"You helped him that one morning. When he was hurting himself."

"Oh." Finland stopped dancing from the cold and chewed his lip. "Did...did he tell you everything?"

He shook his head. "I won't get into it, but he let it slip recently that you caught him doing it."

They stood in silence for a moment. The Norwegian placed his gaze on the dog, watching as it made attempts at climbing up a pine tree. Occasionally he would glance at the other to find a distant expression painted on his face. His eyes appeared glazed, but he couldn't tell if it was from the alcohol or the weather.

After what felt like an eternity, the Fin was the one who interrupted the silence. "It was bad."

"I bet."

"It was really bad."

Norway witnessed a tear roll down Finland's face. He had always been the most sensitive member in their group, despite also being one of the most intimidating warriors. Deciding to not press him on the issue, he released a sigh and apologized.

"No, don't apologize. I'm glad you know now." Finland wiped his tear with the back of his hand and hiccuped. Without being asked, he described the hectic morning to the other Nordic in great detail, recounting his frantic search for bandages and Iceland's pleas for him to not tell anyone, especially his brother.

"He had this...look on his face. It reminded me of something Sealand makes whenever he gets in trouble. For a moment I thought of him as one of my children and not as one of us."

Norway remained still as he processed the story. His brother, despite wanting to be treated like an adult, was still an emotional teenager at his core. He would need to spend time piecing together a balance that would work to satisfy both sides of his character. Suddenly, he felt that the incident with his journal the week prior was more of a blessing than he realized.

"He needs you."

The man snapped back to reality once he heard Finland speak. The other was facing him, eyes seemingly glued to his features.

"Sure I've seen the aftermaths of war, but not once have I seen someone willingly do something like that to their body. I'll be honest, it stayed in my mind for a while. It hurt that I couldn't tell you."

The Norwegian turned his attention to the house. From where he was standing, he could see a silhouette looking out at them from the living room window. The sun was setting, the only light coming from behind the figure.

"I'll do the best I can."

* * *

Norway returned to his bedroom after dinner. He turned down a game of cards, instead opting to let his stomach settle. The peace and quiet in his room encouraged him to grab a book form his suitcase at the end of his bed, which lead to him discovering a baby blue envelope in his luggage.

_Big Bro,_

_Thank you so much. I definitely need to change my lock now, but I guess I'm glad I didn't do it beforehand._

_There's reasons why I don't tell you everything. A lot of it isn't your business, first of all. Second, I didn't think any of you would care. I'm learning now that maybe I should be more open with what goes on in my life. Writing is a good start to doing that, I think._

_Ice._

He held the letter to his chest and inhaled. When he was certain his tears wouldn't escape his eyes, he pulled the bottle-cap from his pocket and laced it in the envelope along with the letter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: It's over! Because I've had some readers ask; I didn't want the fic to be centered around who Ice is dating. I wanted it to instead show that sometimes people hide secrets and find other ways to communicate their feelings (with a positive ending of course)! That being said, I hope you enjoyed the story as much as I did writing it.

**Author's Note:**

> AN: This is my first time using ao3 so please bare with me! I was referred to this by a few lovely tumblr users, and I'm excited to get my work on as many platforms as possible.
> 
> Who do you think is who?


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